


Moment

by PerhosLady



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Possessive Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 10:58:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15387300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerhosLady/pseuds/PerhosLady
Summary: Moments like this were dangerous. Angels were not meant to be afraid of loss. They were not meant to be sentimental. He was angel of the Lord but inevitably everyday he was closer to become angel of the Winchesters.Even that was a lie.Truth was that when Castiel looked at Dean, he didn’t feel like an angel.





	Moment

Castiel had Dean leaning against his chest on the backseat of the Impala. Man’s chest was rising by rhythm of his breathing but he was laying on the bench way too calmly. This moment was reverse of the one happened only a minutes ago. Screams, worry and rush. Blood and fight. Castiel had dragged a fainted Dean on the backseat while Sam had finished the last vampire. Now when they were miles away everything was so calm. Sam was driving and Castiel’s hands healed Dean’s injuries. He would survive. Castiel would not lose Dean Winchester today. 

There had been a hundreds of moments like these. Fear that had changed to relieve when Castiel understood that he could still keep brothers alive until next time. Moments when he was still too emotional to even consider that sometime would be a day when that wouldn’t be an option. On moments like these he tried to look calm and composed even though he still felt adrenaline in his veins and little waver in his hands. When he silently praised the Father for this moment. It was still too fragile for music. Maybe after a little time when Castiel wasn’t so shaken anymore Sam would put on some Dean’s old cassettes. It was raining outside and car smelled at sweat, blood and home. They were safe, alive and together. 

Castiel's thumbs were laying on each side of Dean’s face. There were no injuries anymore, no fatal nor minor. Not when Castiel was an angel and Dean was on his hands. Dean was breathing calmly but surely. He was still fainted but not at danger anymore. Dean's eyes were closed but Castiel was sure that he would woke up at any second now. But now when adrenaline was so high and there were still sticky blood everywhere, Castiel couldn’t take his hands away from the face. Sam would think that his brother would still be in danger, that healing him would be so much more difficult than what Castiel had already finished. He should say that everything was fine now. And soon Dean would raise from his lap, smile and thank him. A pat on his shoulder and maybe a sarcastic remark. And the moment would be shattered. Castiel was not ready for that yet. 

Moments like this were dangerous. Angels were not meant to be afraid of loss. They were not meant to be sentimental. He was angel of the Lord but inevitably everyday he was closer to become angel of the Winchesters. Even that was a lie. Castiel raised his face and glanced at the younger brother’s direction. Yes he loved Sam, that was not a question. Love for him was pure and without a doubt. He wanted to see Sam smile and grow old. He wanted to see Sam’s children. Sam was like a brother to him, a family. Important and cherished. Yes he loved the other and maybe God would have forbidden him for having a favorites If that had been all. Because love like this was maybe what God wanted them to feel for humans, his favorite creations. Castiel hoped so much that it had been all.

Castiel bowed his head and locked his eyes with the green ones. Dean had opened his when Castiel hadn’t watched at him. Green ones observed at Castiel's face. How well the other really knew him? Lines in the corner of his mouth and impressions. Stare that spoke when there were no words to say. Fear and darkness inside Castiel that felt sometimes so big that it needed to show somehow at his features. Truth was that when Castiel looked at Dean, he didn’t feel like an angel. 

Yes he loved Dean but so certainly differently than Sam. He was happy when Sam was but sometimes it felt like he lived only for opportunity to make Dean truly, deeply happy. He wanted to be reason for Dean’s well-being. Dean had experienced so much. Castiel wanted to took Dean somewhere safe. No injuries, no fear, never again monsters. There were so much self-loath inside a man and Castiel wanted to cure his mind as easily as his physical injuries. And it could have been pure love like with Sam. But there were something darker. He craved to possess Dean like demons did to humans. He wanted to sink inside of his mind and twist it to understand how deeply Castiel adored Dean. He wanted to scream to hell and heaven that righteous man, one who he himself had raised from perdition, was owned. One who touched, dared to hurt him, was responsible to Castiel. He didn’t want to see Dean’s children because no woman could touch Dean, not when the other had been marked by Castiel. He wouldn’t, couldn’t, let death touch this human because the world felt meaningless without Dean Winchester in it. 

He would fall. Heaven would not accept an angel that loved one human more than his religion. Fear, pure horror mixed with possessiveness and adoration. Could Dean see these feelings at his stare? It felt impossible that other couldn’t notice the monster inside an angel. Green eyes stared at Castiel's own without saying anything. It was obvious that he felt no pain anymore. Castiel had healed him, Dean was awake and the moment should have been gone. Castiel waited, hated that Deans lips opened a little bit. Ready to say words that would shatter this calm moment when even a second felt like a gift. When his thumbs against a bloody cheeks felt right and he wanted to live this moment forever. Because right now there were no hope at better moments than this. This was the closest he would get Dean Winchester right now. Possibly ever.

Maybe Dean saw even something If not all in his look because he closed his lips without saying anything. Acceptation for carry on this moment of weakness even a little bit. He was extremely thankful for every single second. Castiel raised his right hand and caressed other’s temple with his fingertips. Concerned like holding a glass. Hairline, nose, lips, eyebrows, even light brush on eyelashes that made Dean flutter his eyes and shoot a little annoyed look at him. It made Castiel feel something warm inside of his chest. Carefully and quietly Castiel memorized Dean’s face with his fingers. There had been a time when he had build up every single molecule from this body. When there had only been beautiful, tortured soul without body. If Castiel had known how much he yearned closeness with that soul now he would have never made this body even though it was maybe his most treasured masterpiece. He would have took the soul with him being part of his vessel. Being together with Dean’s soul forever. Healed by him, adored by only him, protected and treasured. He hated this body that kept Castiel away from the soul he craved. 

Under his fingertips Dean broke quietly. First there were confusion, humored smile. A little cocky raise of a corner of his lip. Like he didn’t understand what the hell Castiel was doing. Maybe Castiel didn’t understand that even himself but that didn’t make him stop what he was doing. When Dean’s humorous confusion didn’t broke Castiel's stare the impression changed slowly, melted cruelly in his hands. Smile dropped and for a second Dean looked so broken. Castiel saw longing, almost as bottomless as his own. Fear, and torment blend with something soft and declined. 

They were scared because so very differently reasons. Dean lived by his father's shadow. He hated everything about himself that was not expected from perfect son of John Winchester. Being hunter was everything that was waited from Dean. Smart enough to survive, strong enough to protect others, manly enough to hide how scared and insecure Dean really was. How could Castiel make Dean understand that he accepted it all that Dean himself couldn’t approve? There were no matter did Dean want him when his vessel was man nor woman. Castiel knew that he loved Dean’s soul. Maybe someday Dean understood that it wasn’t Castiel’s body that man was really craving for. There were no such a strong self-loath as there were Castiel's love for him. There were no need to be worth of John Winchester's expectations when Dean succeeded to be something so amazing that he was capable of making even an angel fall. And yes he was a hunter and nobody knew how long or dangerous their live was but Castiel could bear it. He didn’t long for easy life.

And there were Castiel's doubts. Saying yes for his fantasy he would get a few pathetic years, maybe decades if he was lucky. It would be a blink of eyes for an angel. Castiel knew that Sam and Dean were soulmates, they would have a shared heaven. Angels were not humans. But being an angel there were possibility of getting a glimpse of their heaven even after Winchester's death. Castiel would know where they were. That they would be happy and safe under Castiel's protection. If he would fall there were no promises what would happen after his death. Separation, loneliness, hell, purgatory, who knew. He couldn’t let this feeling win when it would be so dangerous. 

But there Dean safely under his stare, breathing against his chest, looking broken in his hands were fact that was just a cruel reminder how pathetic their both’s fight was. Maybe this was not the moment when Castiel was ready to abandon heaven. Maybe this was not the evening when Dean understood that he was honestly enough for Castiel but it was already a lost fight. There would be a day when Dean really understood that feelings were not something to feel ashamed of. He would understand that he was really capable of making Castiel happy. And there would be a day when Castiel was ready to accept that even an hour with Dean Winchester by truly his side was enough happiness to bear the fear that one day he really needed to say goodbye to the man he loved. 

But it wouldn’t be this day. 

This all had been a mere minutes. It wasn’t Castiel nor Dean who broke the moment. Sam’s worried voice was the one who made Castiel's fingers to flinch and Dean startle because of sudden movement.  
”Is he alright, Cas?” Sam looked at the road. His eyes didn’t see the man against a Castiel's chest. Eyes filled with pain and longing. Afraid of getting caught when he had been noticed an ages ago already. It was a relief that Dean answered himself because Castiel had not been sure what to say.  
”I’m fine Sammy. Castiel healed me already. As good as new.” 

And when Sam talked with Dean and Dean raised from Castiel's lap to sit by himself Castiel frowned for an obvious lie. 

_No you are not fine Dean Winchester and neither am I. But we will be. I promise, we will be someday._

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first Supernatural fic and it felt so good to write after such a long time. This time I didn't have a beta so I'm sorry about all the typos. ^^'


End file.
